Family Relationships Series
I've hit another writer's block again. But I am going to try right now to let out as much as I can. This is me raw and in the now. Lately, I have been emotionally and mentally stressing a lot about my family relationships. My older sister and I are not on speaking terms (probably the 5th or 6th time in the past 6 years but who's counting), my mother is continuously finding reasons to call me selfish, and my father who hasn't been witnessing these lash outs (he's at work a lot) is claiming that we all have fault on these situations, but I really need to learn how to put these things behind me. My baby sister who is now 17 (not such a baby anymore) is the only one who seems to understand my side of things, more times than not, most likely because she has similar experiences with our family.
I agree with my father partially. I am definitely at (some) fault in these situations. I know I am not the perfect daughter or sister. Perhaps my mother continuously calls me selfish because I am. Perhaps my older sister chooses to not speak to me because I am not worthy of being spoken to.
Whenever I go back to my childhood home I feel like I have to put up a huge barrier just so I won't step on anyone's toes. But in doing so I start to resent my family for making me feel so locked up in the most familiar place a person could be in. And so I have a hard time controlling my emotions and actions towards them. And sometimes I feel as if I did nothing and I am still being attacked, which causes my barrier to be even higher. Maybe not being able to control these intense feelings I have toward them is my problem. I've always been told that you can never change others, only yourself. There are so many things about myself I have tried to change and I am not sure if I actually made any progress.
Whenever I try to compromise a piece of myself for them I resent them. Because whatever I compromised wasn't enough and we come back full circle to not speaking and harshly lashing out at each other. I try to spend more quality time with them and it's not enough. I try to dress a certain way (more modestly) in front of them so I don't get judged. I even (almost) agreed to marry a man my parents would approve of so they would accept me. But somehow I am still here right now writing this post about the same problems I have been facing with them over and over for almost 6 years.
If I completely change myself to be what my family wants me to be than that won't be the real me. The real me likes to show off my skin once in a while and wear tight clothes that show off my small curves. The real me likes to spend time with my friends and family when I visit Brooklyn. The real me is happy that she is single and independent right now. The real me doesn't know what to do anymore so that my family will love me again.
I am not writing this to gain my readers support, sympathy, or pity. I don't expect people who don't know the grueling details of my damaged family relationships to actually make a fair decision on deciding who is right and who is wrong. I am writing this to vent my feelings and organize my thoughts much like I do on the rest of this blog. And I am going to try and get past my writer's block when it comes to writing about my feelings towards my family. I think the reason I have this block when it comes to this topic is that I am scared. I am scared of looking deeply into this well that has been slowly filling up with poison. But just recently it looks like it will overflow. And I realized I can't let it. I have to find a way to discard the poison and heal myself, my heart.
There were moments I had whenever my family and I argued where I thought I might actually hate them. What kind of a daughter and sister am I that could feel such a disgusting feeling? I thought I hated my mother, my sister, and even my father whom I don't actually argue with as much. I was disgusted with how they treated me but most of all I was disgusted with myself.
You hate them. You actually hate them. How dare you?
Those were words I said to myself over and over. One day I realized that I don't actually hate them. Or rather only a part of me hates them. The side that only my family has been capable of bringing out me. The angry, hateful, loud, cursing all the time me. My worst possible self. That self hates them. But my best self does not. She loves them and hopes one day these issues really can be put behind us. That self wants to let go of these toxic feelings and work on the change that she knows she's capable of.
I am going to continue these posts in series and I am nervous to see what I will discover. As always thank you for reading.