I have had an extreme case of writer’s block for the past few months. I’ll start a post, keep it as a draft and then I’ll come back and delete it. I feel like I have so much to say and I have so much going on but I’m not ready to share it. And I guess that’s okay. I started this blog for many reasons. To vent, to organize my thoughts, to keep myself in check with my emotions. I also thought that if someone who is having a bad day just happens to stumble on this blog maybe they will be able to relate to something on here and they will feel better. But following the advice of a couple of friends, I decided I’m just going to free write and see where it goes. So here it is. My life has felt very chaotic lately. With work, school, and personal goals I barely have time to turn off my mind off. Or rather, I feel I don’t have enough time. I don’t remember when I became so ambitious. I know there times in my life when I was younger when I didn’t have much of a passion for anything. And now there are so many new things I’ve tried and so many more new things I want to try. But sometimes I still feel I’m missing that passion. Perhaps I’ve spread myself so thin that I can’t pinpoint what it is I love most. I’ve been learning (very slowly) about coding at work. I’m halfway through my second degree in engineering. I’ve been traveling more. And while I really enjoy these things I haven’t found any of them to be “my thing.” I remember talking to a friend about this who told me that maybe my thing is that I try new things all the time. Couldn’t that count as a thing? Maybe he’s right. But for me, something is missing. And to be honest I’m not sure what is. How can I be doing so many things I love and still feel this lost? Is it normal?
Feeling lost scares me. I am a very anxious person which means I like to be in control as much as possible. But when you’re lost sometimes it’s easy to feel like you can’t control the situation you are in. So I decided instead of being so over ambitious and worrying about finding the missing thing in life that I’m not even sure of, that maybe I should slow down a little bit. I still want to do all the things I am doing. I still want to do all the things that I haven’t made the time to do yet. But right now I need to slow down and truly take time to do absolutely nothing. I often feel guilty for trying to turn my mind off because it feels as if I am wasting time. If I’m feeling lost shouldn’t I keep running and looking for my destination?
That was my mentality for a long time. But after some thinking and self-reflection I realized: how can I keep running to a destination if I’m not sure what it is? If I even truly want to be there? Taking time to recharge every now and then might actually help me navigate through this messy journey we call life.